Eleanor Roosevelt has lied to us. And science can prove it.
You know her famous quote, “No one can make you feel something without your permission”?
Welp! Scientifically inaccurate. 😬
Because…Emotions are involuntary neurological responses. When someone criticizes you, rejects you, disrespects you, you have exactly zero control over your initial emotional response. ZERO.
The idea that you could have the sheer fortitude (or the steel ovaries) to NOT feel an uncomfortable emotion… literally inhuman. And you’re not failing at emotional intelligence because you can’t immediately control your emotional response.
So what do we do instead?
Stop trying to control the emotion and start listening to it.
Because emotions are simply messengers.
Your body’s way of saying, “Hey, bitch, pay attention. We’ve got some intel for you.”
Maybe every time you’re around that one friend, you feel just shame and “not enoughness”.
And the message is, *don’t hang out with that person anymore.*
If you’re chronically overwhelmed and stressed at work, maybe that emotion is saying, *hey, you need a break.*
It’s not about eradicating the emotion. It’s about seeing it as a guide and navigating it from a place of personal power.
So here’s the tool:
Notice and name the actual emotion.
Not “I feel bad”. (That’s not an emotion.)
Get specific. Ashamed. Resentful. Disappointed.
What is it telling you to move away from? And what is this emotion telling you to move towards?
Because your emotions are not the problem.
But missing the message is.
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OMG – totally on point –
Hi, Kathy! Thanks for stopping by! You know I love to make friends with emotions… no matter how uncomfortable they are. They are simply messengers.
I have felt icky every time I’ve heard this quote. It’s like you pulled this message out from the back of my brain. Thank you!
You certainly aren’t alone! I’ve heard a handful of folks say that this quote never say well with them. The undercurrent is that you are wrong if you can’t control your emotional response… but masquerading as an empowering statement.
“My emotions are not the problem.”
As an empathetic person this hits hard. But makes total sense.
YES, Valerie!! I think many sensitive, empathetic individuals grow up thinking their connection to emotion is a bad thing. I believe it’s a super power. It takes quite a bit of bravery to be with your emotions and learn how to work with them.