Stop letting people off the hook just because you can sympathize with their trauma.
Have you ever seen the Hulu show “The Bear”? The main character, Carmy, is a culinary genius who’s been through absolute hell. Tumultuous upbringing, his brother unaliving himself, inheriting a floundering restaurant drowning in debt.
So when he has his own apoplectic tirades, yelling at his team, being controlling, we get it, right? We understand WHY he behaves that way.
But here’s the thing: Just because it’s *understandable* doesn’t make it *acceptable*.
And this trips us up. We’re so good at sympathizing “The Why” behind someone’s behavior, that we let them off the hook.
Your parent, who grew up with an alcoholic father and became one themselves… You understand the generational trauma, the lack of access to therapy, the wounds that never healed. Understandable.
But the way they spoke to you, the emotional neglect, the eggshells you walked on in your own home? Not acceptable.
Your boss, under pressure about missed targets, who comes into your meeting and lays into everyone… You get that they’re scared about job security or the shit going on in their own life. Understandable.
But the way they publicly humiliated you and your team, dismissed your ideas, inappropriately offloaded their stress? Not acceptable.
Both things are true simultaneously. They’re dealing with pain AND they’re responsible for their behavior. You can have compassion AND demand respect.
So practice this: Notice the pull. Notice when you’re tempted to excuse shit ass behavior because you understand where it’s coming from – When speaking up feels mean, given what they’re dealing with.
Then remind yourself “it’s understandable. But it’s not acceptable. And my pain deserves advocacy, full stop.”
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