I was totally just minding my own biz.
Bumpinβ some Pandora.
Doing a bit of work.
Thinking about you. Yes, you. (More on that in a min.)
And then BOOM.
βTrue Colorsβ from the Trolls soundtrack comes on.
Fuckinβ Trolls. (Hey, JT,Β haaaaaaay!!)
And I really started listening to the lyrics. Like,Β reallyΒ listening.
More than I ever listened beforeβ¦ even with Cyndiβs version.
You with the sad eyes
Don’t be discouraged, oh I realize
It’s hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
The darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
Fuck.
I mean⦠HELLO! This is how we all feel from time to time, amiright!?
The darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
No.
Shit.
And I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that’s why I love you So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
At the time this blasted my speakers, I was penning a note to you.
And I started thinking about the whole concept of this song and I started getting pissed.
In a world where we constantly feelβ¦
Not pretty enough.
Not thin enough.
Not witty enough.
Not extroverted enough.
Not successful enough.
Not articulate enough.
Not enough degrees.
Not enough money.
NOT. FUCKING. ENOUGH.
So we wear these ridiculous masks.
Molding and contorting who we are. Trying to please everyone.
Lying about how we *really* feel.
Not speaking up to your boss.
Not speaking up to your over-bearing step-mom.
Drowning in a sea of guilt.
And you end up looking around thinking,Β is this really all there is?
Listen to me, Love. You donβt need permission to really beΒ YOU.
You just need to βunlearnβ the bullshit that told you to lie about who you are.
To hide your true colors.
Things like saying to βyesβ to shit you really donβt want to do. Worrying about whateveryone elseΒ thinks. Feeling βnot enoughβ. Control. Guilt. People-pleasing.
βOMG! I love being a people-pleasing perfectionist!βΒ ~ Said No One. EVER.
In less than a weekβs time I will be taking a small army of badasses on an epic journey to let theirΒ freak flagΒ True ColorsΒ Flag fly. And there is still time to join us.
Say Hello to being a boundaried warrior.
Get ready to engage in convos with yourΒ fam thatΒ leave you feeling P R O U D.
Get prepared to feelΒ ENOUGH.
Say Hello to showing your True-mutha-fuckin-Colors.
And feelingΒ gooooooodΒ about it.
Get excited.
Everything, and I mean everyTHANG, is about to change.
I just got back from an incredible experience with 22 other powerful women and Iβve been re-inspired and reminded of the life I CHOOSE to live. Along with two dear colleagues, I took a group of brave women on a cruise of a lifetime to re-create the women they desire to be in the world. It got me thinking much about a concept I have termed the Mediocrity Epidemic.
The Mediocrity Epidemic is something I think many of us are familiar with; Simply put, itβs living the life that is just βokβ. Nothing is really awfulβ¦ But itβs sure not blissful. Perhaps itβs the dulling marriage or the dead-end jobβ¦ Maybe itβs the lack of a thriving group of like-minded friendsβ¦ or insufficient health you simply tolerate. Or, maybe things look great outwardly, but you struggle with truly finding happiness. Perhaps your relationship to YOU is the biggest struggle. The problem with this Mediocrity Epidemic is you can live with it forever. Mediocrity is tricky in the sense that it is rarely painful enough to spark change. Itβs tolerable. And, for that reason, many people inadvertently choose it as a way of beingβ¦ for a lifetime.
Change is what happens when it becomes too painful to stay the same.
And, usually that takes a crisis. But, what if you didnβt wait for a crisis to make a change? What if you tasted and relished every day of your life with a sense of ALIVENESS? Damn, that would be amazing, right? Hereβs the place I think we get stuck. We donβt think it exists. We think, βWell, βgood enoughβ I can count on, so letβs just settle.β Perhaps youβve found yourself in the same boat. One of my previous clients, Kathryn, felt like a life of aliveness wasnβt really possible and then completely proved herself wrong. Another dear client, Jasmine, felt the same. She also changed her life.
What shifted? They accessed the tools to change.
Let me ask you this: Have you ever seen a catchy Facebook or Instagram meme and thought, βThatβs amazing. But, how the hell am I supposed to do that?β Maybe itβs about people-pleasing, working with fear, or changing your self-talk. Yeah, you arenβt alone. I am often baffled that we teach math, science, and physical education in schools, but NOWHERE do we teach children how to speak kindly to themselves, establish boundaries, and cultivate confidence. So, if these things donβt come easy, cut yourself some slack.
Hereβs the good news. You absolutely, without a doubt, have the ability to live a life of radical joy and self-love and acceptance. Now. You are capable. Already. There is nothing wrong with you. You arenβt broken. And, you absolutely deserve more than mediocre. You deserve ALIVENESS.
The simple gateway from where you are now to the life you desire is your skill set. Thatβs it. Simply put, you just havenβt LEARNED all the skills and tools you need to dramatically change how you feel about yourself and in turn, create the life you deeply desire. You think Kathryn and Jasmine had any idea how to access their personal power? Or establish boundaries? Or find their confidence? Of course not! They simply LEARNED. And, implemented. And, everything changed. Everything.
Both these courageous women (and countless others) have worked through my Deep, Down, + DirtyΒ one-on-one coaching program. The Deep, Down, + DirtyΒ Program is my one-on-one coaching emersion, whichΒ walks you through a 12-week process to uncover and access radical self-love, worthiness, and self-acceptance. You’ll learn what it means to truly live life on YOUR TERMS and happiness will no longer be a dream. It will be your reality.
Because this guided coaching method is one-on-one, I am very limited to the amount of clients I am able to take on. Currently, I have 2 (maybe 3) openings and I would love to invite you to jump on the phone with me, if you feel this may be the skill set you need. Again, space is extremely limited, so if you feel the pull, letβs do this.
Regardless if one-on-one work is in the cards for us at them moment or not, I hope you know you are wildly WORTHY. Of aliveness. Of anything and everything your heart desires.
If I were to ask you what the most important things in your life are⦠what would you say?
Probably your family, your spouse, hopefully yourself, maybe your spirituality, right?
But if I were to ask you how you spend most of your time/energy, what would you say?
Seriously⦠where do you spend most of your time?
Are the two categories aligned? Or even close?
Yeahβ¦ you arenβt alone. Quite a few years ago, I had an epiphany. I was working my ass off for a company that truly monopolized much of my time and energy. I was super caught up in the urgency of my work and all the demands. After a near burn-out and quarter-life crisis, I made a huge realization.
I realized that many of us cater to everything in our lives based off of how urgent it is presented to us.
You may have heard the phrase βThe Tyranny of the Urgentβ. What does that mean? Well, simply stated, it means that we naturally tend to the things in our lives that present themselves as urgent or as an emergency, as I like to call it. And what usually seems urgent? Probably shit that doesnβt really fall under βone of the most important things in my lifeβ category, right? Oftentimes itβs work, obligations, other peopleβs urgencyβ¦ bottom line is, we are constantly spending time and energy on things that arenβt really an emergency. In fact, it may be the exact oppositeβ¦ shit that doesnβt even deserve our time and energyβ¦ itβs just wrapped up in a package that screams, βTake care of me first!! Iβm an emergency!! Iβm sooooo urgent!!β
So, letβs say you are working yourself to the bone, for your job that feels like a constant emergency and you get a call that your child or spouse has been in an accident. You would drop work immediately, right? Why? Because now your family is the emergency. Or maybe you are wrapped up in a volunteer program that monopolizes your time and all of a sudden your partner expresses they are on the way out of the relationship. Now your marriage/relationship has become the emergency, right? So hereβs what Iβm pointing to: why does it take emergency status to wake us up and actually allocate our time and energy to the things in our life that we would actually claim are the most important things to us? Shouldnβt it be the other way around? Weβve all heard the old adageβ¦ no one on their deathbed says βI wish I worked more.β They say, βDamn. I wish I was there for my kid moreβ or βI wish I showed up in my marriageβ or βI wish I took better care of myself.β
So, how does this apply to your own life?
Letβs get really clear on all this, shall we? Take out a piece of paper and write out the 4-5 things that you would say are THE MOST IMPORTANT things to you in your life. The things that you live and breathe for. For many, the things that you would actually die for. What are those things? Ok, so right next to that column, I want you to start thinking about how you spend your time/energy on an average day and write next to those things a percentageβ¦ a percentage of your time/energy you spend on these βmost importantβ things. Now, still thinking about your average day, list out all the other shit that gets most of your personal resource. What are the percentages there? Whatβs out of alignment?
This small exercise can be hugely eye-opening. Now, Iβm not saying quit your job and play with your kids all day. I understand that there is a bit of a give and take here, but Iβm guessing that there is somewhere you could actually give a bit more of yourself to the shit that you actually really care about.
Ok, one more little exercise before I leave you to re-appropriate your time. Still looking at your average day, is there anything that monopolizes your time that you really donβt even like? Anything that you are taking on that you resent? Anything you are saying βyesβ to simply out of obligation? What would your life look like if you only said βyesβ to stuff that lit you up? Alright, so stop right now with βbut, Amy, I canβtβ¦β Iβm not interested in canβt. Itβs actually wonβt. Start substituting βwonβtβ for βcanβtβ because that is what you are really saying.
Now, leave that all behind and look at what you CAN do.
Whatβs one small step you CAN take to better allocate your time and energy to shit that actually really matters to you? One place where you could say “no”? One thing you donβt want to do that you can eliminate? One way you can focus on the shit that really matters? What have you been treating as an emergency that really isnβt? What if you treated your happiness as the emergency?
Or, you could always just stay the same. [wah, wah]
Get. Fucking. On it.
P.S.Β **Oh, and I currently have 2 spots open for my one-on-one coaching program.Β Find out more details here.
So, I don’t roll with the punches. I’m not super βeasy-goingβ and not up for βwhateverβ. I certainly donβt go with the mother-fucking flow.
I love order, structure, and planning.Β And, you want to know why I don’t LOVE to roll with the punches?
Because it’s Just. Not. Me.
And, I grew mighty sick of apologizing for who I am a loooong time ago.
Now, this little badass stance Iβve adopted certainly hasnβt always been the case. I used to feel that if there was some sort of trait I (or society) deemed attractive or desired… I must somehow fit this square peg into all those round holes. So, in honor of square pegs everywhere who mayΒ thinkΒ the only road to acceptance (and therefore, happiness) mustΒ mean round contortions, here is a lovely list of things I refuse to apologize for… or over-explain, for that matter. Ever again.
I will no longerΒ apologize because:
I’m high-maintenance, love all things girly, + take a hot minuteΒ to get ready
I’m not that into music [gasp!!]
I absolutely hate spontaneity + most outdoorΒ activities
I don’t censor my thoughts orΒ feelings
I have a fucking sailor mouth
I love order, control, + stability
I have no desire or interest in being a mother
I’m not a fan of “traditional women’s roles” + don’t cook + hire someone to clean
And, Iβm a life coach who actually watches Keeping up with the Kardashians. I know.
Whew! So, that felt good to get out.Β So, how ’bout you? Are there components to who you are, that you constantly feel the need to apologize for… or possibly OVER-EXPLAIN? Things that your fam doesn’t get? Your spouse doesn’t get? Perhaps things you’ve made up in your mind just aren’t okay to embody?
A slight caveat hereβ¦ I soooo believe in apologizing. But, ONLY if youβve made a mess. If you fucked up. But, hereβs the thingβ¦ we donβt ONLY apologize when weβve made a mess. We apologize for WHO. WE. ARE. Our choices. Our stances. Our decisions. And, one of the biggest ways this plays out in our lives is by over-explaining. Feeling as though we owe people some sort of rationale, explanation, or reason why we feel a certain way. Or, why we ARE a certain way.
Allow me to tell you a story. Iβm 35. I married my soul-mate when I was 20. Weβve been blissfully married for 15 years, together for 17. From day one, everyone in our orbit asked us when we were going to have children. In my snide, acerbic manner, I loved to retort, βOhβ¦ no, we really donβt like children.β (Iβve always been a smart-ass, just not always an enlightened smartass). Although, I felt comfortable and certain with our choice, I did feel a never-ending pull to explain our position to everyone we encountered. Elaborately.
It wasnβt until years later, and much personal growth work and introspection, that I came to the realization that I didnβt owe anyone ANY explanation. And, not just for that choice. For anything.
So, I turn this to you. What would shift if you actually didn’t feel the need to apologizeΒ or over-explain your choices, thoughts, characteristics, orΒ affinities?Β What would change if you just didnβt ever entertain the βexplanationβ? If you could actually bullet point the things that make you, YOU, which you will no longer apologize for, what would they be?
And, most importantly, what will you actually DO differently? Not just reading a lovely article about taking a stand for yourself and then doing jack-shit with it. Iβm serious. Write out a list. A list of all the things you will no longer apologize for or over-explain. And, actually IMPLEMENT it. Set boundaries. Walk away or excuse yourself from conversations. Hang up the phone. Whatever.
Letβs be honest. No one is going to offer you a free pass to actually be yourself. Unless you do. Your move, Ace.
As a leadership coach and master hypnotherapist, I help Gen X women leaders crush burnout by owning their worth and setting fierce boundaries (aka stop taking all that shit!).
A former corporate overachiever myself, I now teach women to feel WORTHY. AFβwith or without a mountain of accomplishments.
Because spoiler alert: you have always been enough (even if it doesnβt feel like it).
A slight caveat hereβ¦ I soooo believe in apologizing. But, ONLY if youβve made a mess. If you fucked up. But, hereβs the thingβ¦ we donβt ONLY apologize when weβve made a mess. We apologize for WHO. WE. ARE. Our choices. Our stances. Our decisions. And, one of the biggest ways this plays out in our lives is by over-explaining. Feeling as though we owe people some sort of rationale, explanation, or reason why we feel a certain way. Or, why we ARE a certain way.